I was born in Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

My mom is from Middleton, a little town so close to Madison that there isn’t a cow or cornfield between them. My dad is from Racine, a city south of Milwaukee along Lake Michigan. We lived in Rhinelander (northern snowmobile-land) and Kenosha (just south of Racine) moving to Spring Green (40 miles west of Madison along the Wisconsin River) when I was in second grade.

My family made the best of the small town experience, eating donuts at Rick & Pat’s downtown bakery on the weekends and helping our road’s namesake, the farmer next door, butcher the occasional pig. My mother grew up in the Lutheran Church, and we had attended one in all the places we’d lived. Happily there was a little ELCA congregation in town. Faith is and was important to my mom. No mere Sunday attendee, she was involved. 

As many churches do, ours went through hard times and we spent some time down the street at a Congregational church, where the very passionate pastor cried at some point in each sermon. We returned to Lutheranism just in time for me to attend Confirmation classes. I attended faithfully, grateful for the church members who gave their time to confused middle schoolers, speaking truth as they knew it. I was confirmed.

I wasn’t really sure about any of it, and I certainly didn’t understand how anyone could “love” someone who couldn’t even be imagined in any real way. But I always adored the old hymns. When we sat down each Sunday morning I immediately looked up the hymn numbers to see if we were going to sing any good ones that week.

My younger brother and I went through school making friends here and there but never really feeling part of anything welcoming or permanent in the community. My last two years of high school, I got hooked up with a youth group through that Congregational Church. I knew some people in the group and was invited to attend a few events. I enjoyed being anonymous and being able to start over with new people. Before long I was part of a small Charismatic Christian group. I had a boyfriend and a best girlfriend. The only problem was that they lived about forty-five minutes away. Well, the other problem was that they were fervently misguided – but I didn’t know that until later. We had prayer groups and went to meetings. We went to Christian rock concerts and festivals. At first my parents were excited that I’d found friends, but soon I was coming home late. The group said it was more important to stay and finish the prayers than to get home on time. I drove my family nuts with evangelism. The group said my family was probably going to hell unless I intervened. I asked to go picket an abortion clinic. The group said God needed us to save those unborn babies by employing scare tactics. That was where, thank God, my mom drew the line and talked some sense into me. I had been feeling for a while that there was a hierarchy in the group dependent upon particular “spiritual gifts”. More and more there seemed to be favorites and power games. Of course I was also a girl and in denial about the contradiction between the group’s belief in the supreme authority of men and what I’d always believed about the equality of sexes. That talk with my mom made me realize I had taken leave of things I knew to be true for the feeling of belonging. Shortly thereafter, my best girl friend graduated and left for college in Chicago, so it was easy for me to separate from the rest. I found a new good friend, discovered non-Christian alternative rock music and wrote off Christianity as an oppressive institution, having been created for the exclusive benefit of the powers that be.

I graduated and went to college at a small liberal arts school in Beloit, Wisconsin. I loved college but was very confused about what I was working toward. I never declared a major because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. I felt more at home doing my job as a security dispatcher than I ever did in the classroom.

After a few semesters an opportunity presented itself to travel to China with my then-boyfriend to teach English. Thinking it may help me figure out what I wanted or at least help me figure out myself, I took it.

I believe that all our decisions contribute to the person we eventually become and solidify how we are able to contribute in this life. This is true for my trip to China. If I had the decision to make again, I’d keep my feet firmly planted on American soil. But I did go, and I’ve been better for that decision ever since.

There is a lot to tell about China, but chiefly I was miserable. The food made me sick more often than it satisfied my hunger. Teaching was exhausting. The administration was draconian. We were not earning what we thought we would and spent everything we made just to live. I didn’t have fifty extra bucks, let alone the $1,500 it would cost for a plane ticket home.

After four months of sickness, cold and pollution, I placed an overseas call begging my parents to wire me a ticket. Scared to death, I’m sure, they did just that and I flew back by myself. After hours on the plane, I looked down over the northern coastline of Washington on our way to Seattle. I cried with relief knowing that even if we crashed now at least I’d die in my United States. I’d learned lessons no class could teach about myself, people and the world, but I was glad to be home.

I went back to college, but was as rudderless as I’d ever been. I did enjoy studying Daoism, having visited the shrines in China. I was captivated by the words coming across the millennia as clear and full of wisdom as they’d been in their time and place. But college wasn’t for me. I didn’t have enough direction and I didn’t have the interest.

In March of that year, 1994, Matt and I met. After only a few dates I knew I wanted to marry him. Thankfully, he felt the same and we were engaged after only three months and married a year later.

We lived happily growing up together through the good times and bad. I read more about Daoism, started Buddhism and the classics. I filled my brain with the best thinkers, both modern and ancient. For four years I worked at a grocery store and read history, biography and philosophy, trying to put together a version of human truth that worked intellectually and harmonized with my experiences. I learned about humankind’s struggle in pursuit of truth. I learned about how we think the universe might function. I learned about how we think human beings might function. But the question of why and to what end, remained unanswered. The “who, what, where and how” are important to know, but without “why”, the relevance of this truth to our observable cosmology and to life itself is lost.

After a few years of less than rewarding office work, and unsuccessful attempts to start a family, Matt and I decided our little town needed a coffeehouse. Together, we did all the research and built the Firefly Coffeehouse from the ground up.

Matt kept his software development job and worked in the back while I poured coffee and steamed milk in the front. The hours were brutal but doing our own thing was worth any schedule.

We abandoned fertility treatments and three months later I was pregnant. 

With the addition of our daughter, Ellie, life changed completely yet again. We balanced the coffeehouse with parenthood for three years before deciding that we couldn’t give the shop as much attention as it deserved. It was growing, but with our new family, was more than we wanted to take on. We sold the shop and it is now the central social spot in tiny Oregon, Wisconsin. I stayed home with Ellie for a while – until everything in the house was a little too clean and organized. I worked for a real estate appraiser friend, getting my real estate license right before the 2008 crash. He and I then bought a local newspaper, cleaned up the books and practices and sold it. One opportunity led to the next and they all allowed me to get Ellie to and from school while being flexible in the summers.

At about this time, I began to wonder what we should do about Ellie and the church. I had left Christianity behind, but had Ellie baptized anyway. The timing was now appropriate to either introduce her to church or not. Either way I wanted it to be purposeful. I was still angry about my youth group experience and being a mother in a cruel world hadn’t convinced me of the existence of any guiding presence in the universe. If God existed, I wasn’t sure that was a good thing. I went to church with my mom occasionally. It failed to do anything for me with one exception. I still loved the old hymns. I still couldn’t get through “Shall We Gather at the River” or “Beautiful Savior” without a few tears escaping. I didn’t know why, I didn’t think I even believed in God, but the familiar tunes and heartfelt lyrics seemed to touch me in a place where my brain had no dominion. 

In 2010, a company just outside Houston purchased Matt’s business. We’d always talked about an adventure outside of the "Snow Belt", so we accepted a corporate position, packed the car and pointed it south.

Moving away from family and the ancestral home was life-changing for all of us. It was not easy but we learned about each other and depended upon each other in brand new ways. That and putting ourselves in a foreign place, with neither friends nor family taught us invaluable truths about life and about the world. Have you heard that Texas is like a whole other country? We found that to be true.

First alone, and then with Ellie she attended Tree of Life Lutheran Church in Conroe. After the first week she insisted I would love it. Then Ellie insisted I would love it. I relented and gave it a try. There were things I liked right away. First time visitors had a reserved parking spot. The bulletin had directions for guests including the location of the bathrooms. The people were welcoming and given the fact that I have purple hair, that isn’t always the case. The service was just modern enough and just traditional enough. All this and the pastor actually seemed sincere. I attended with my mom until she returned to Wisconsin. That was the first of February. I don’t think I missed a Sunday until we moved in June. I even met with Pastor Chris and we talked through the unusual way I’d arrived at Tree of Life, spiritually. 

During those months of Tree of Life and my continued independent study, I slowly began to perceive a synergistic relationship between Christianity and the truths I’d gleaned from both my secular studies and Christian investigations. I came to realize that what I’d learned about life and the nature of reality could be expressed helpfully and richly in terms of Christian tradition and beliefs. Slowly, the emotionality I’d experienced surrounding the old hymns leaked into my experience of communion, liturgy, confession, benediction and sermons. These things, having originally fallen on the sometimes barren ground of my mind now found their way to the fertile, supple soil of my heart. I was present, soaking up everything. 

We liked Texas and had made friends there. But, an opportunity for Matt in South Florida working with a great friend and mentor, was too good not to take. It was hard to leave lots of things, especially Tree of Life. But Fort Lauderdale had always been the place we’d dreamed of ending up in. A little sadly, but also eager for another adventure, we packed everything in the car yet again and pointed it East this time. 

The first few months in Florida were difficult. Matt’s job was completely different from his last one and very stressful. Of course moving, settling in and finding new everything is never easy, but my cousin lived nearby which was a world of help and soon we settled in and started looking for a church.

At the same time I decided to try an online class at a Wartburg Seminary. My mom had been taking classes there for a few years and so I was familiar with professors and content. I signed up for Spirituality and Discipleship at about the same time I found a church to join. The class was difficult and time consuming but I loved it. Certain elements challenged me and I challenged certain elements. I read Luther and Bonhoeffer, marveling that the denomination I had grown up with had such vast philosophical roots and deep erudite tradition. I had done a lot of study in Christianity but not much on the Lutheran Church. I worked at it feverishly, never satisfied with my first or second attempt. In the end I was surprised and pleased by my professor’s enthusiasm for my work and ideas. His support for my perspective inspired me to think bigger about my mission than I had up to that point. I decided to really consider dedicating myself to helping the church relate to people like me, as would have benefitted me earlier in my life.

Around the same time I joined All Saints Lutheran Church in Tamarac, Florida. I had tried many churches since beginning my search. None seemed right. I finally walked into All Saints without much hope of success. But right away I found the people to be diverse and warm, while Pastor Jake was intelligent, thoughtful and loving. I told him about my seminary classes and he was wildly supportive and encouraging, as was the congregation. Our family joined All Saints and grew to love very many things about it.

And it was there that I found a real church home. Among the most generous of people, I went to seminary. Alongside the faithful, honest and the brave, I experimented and learned. Discerning a need for women’s ministry I developed a Sunday morning Women’s study group and together we organized a WELCA (Women of the ELCA) chapter. We told each other our stories – laughing together in the joy of life and comforting each other in the pain of our experiences. Passionate for creativity in liturgics, I brought the Taize service to Tree of Life for Maundy Thursday. I organized music and prayers around the cross for Good Friday. I helped facilitate all-youth services and an all-women service for Bold Women’s Sunday.

I wrote and taught an adult confirmation class, in the process humbled and energized by the students’ rich experience and enthusiasm for discussion. I taught comparative religion to the adults for Vacation Bible School and organized a group outing to a local Hindu Temple. I created and facilitated a Pub Theology group who met weekly at a local pub for beverages and conversations around God, people and life’s most interesting questions. I preached, participated in and gave pastoral care working closely with church staff. Over four years and from the generous people and leadership of Tree of Life, I learned about churches, people, tradition, negotiation, leadership, love, support and the faithfulness of God in Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit for all of creation. 

I was fortunate enough then to have a brief but meaningful opportunity at +Kindred Church in the Montrose neighborhood of downtown Houston. In my two months with Kindred I learned and experimented in their evening church liturgy and ministry with housing insecure folks.

Since my journey of discernment has taken place gradually and over a good number of years, I have learned much about the church, the world and myself. About myself, principally I have learned not to be ashamed of being introverted, sensitive and passionate. God makes us all for different purposes. I was created with these traits to put them to use for the benefit of all of God’s children. I need not become anything else to be useful. Like everyone, I am perfectly useful as God perfectly created me, for the undertaking of missions I am meant to address. About the church, I have learned that it is in a unique position. The Lutheran paradoxes and the theology of the cross give Lutherans the opportunity to tell people who very much need it – the truth. We Lutherans don’t have to make anything up or provide cookie cutter solutions to problems. We don’t have to do convoluted theological dances to resolve contradictions in Christian faith. We Lutherans have the joyful privilege of seeking with people honestly. We may not know the answers, but we’ll talk with you about it. We may not have solutions but we’ll sit with you. We can’t take away pain but we’ll bring coffee, look you in the eye and listen. We’ll pray with you and laugh with you and try our best to show you God’s love through Jesus in our words and deeds. Our gift is the ability to be our true and honest selves with no need of whitewashing or pretending. The world needs our genuine selves, loving and learning much more than easy answers and 99-cent solutions.